Part 2. If You Have to Fight, Fight Slowly

I am not going to tell you to avoid conflict.

Some things need challenging. Some behaviour needs naming. Some decisions matter too much for you to sit quietly, smile politely and develop a stress-related twitch under the table.

The question is not whether you fight. The question is whether you remain yourself while you do it.

If you have to fight, fight slowly.

Conflict has a speed

Think about the physical speed of an argument.

Voices become faster. Interruptions arrive sooner. Hands move more sharply. People lean forward. Breathing changes. Somebody starts repeating the same point with increasing volume, as though the missing ingredient was simply more decibels.

Speed tells the nervous system that something urgent is happening.

The nervous system responds by preparing you to survive it. Your attention narrows. Your body mobilises. Nuance becomes an expensive luxury. You stop listening for meaning and start listening for threat.

Then you say something beautifully constructed three hours later in the car. During the meeting, your mind was blank.

That is the problem with leaving your window of tolerance. You may still be in the room, but you lose access to some of the qualities you most need: judgement, language, empathy, flexibility and choice.

Your body usually knows first

We often try to manage conflict from the top floor of the house.

We think harder. We prepare more arguments. We rehearse every possible version of the conversation. We write notes for the notes we already wrote.

Meanwhile, the basement is filling with smoke.

Your body will often tell you that you are becoming activated before your thoughts catch up.

You might notice:

• Your shoulders moving towards your ears.

• Tightness in your neck, jaw or chest.

• Faster or shallower breathing.

• Heat in your face.

• Restless hands or legs.

• An urge to interrupt.

• A sudden need to prove that you are right.

• Your mind going completely blank.

• Agreeing to something simply to end the exchange.

These are not signs that you are weak or bad at conflict. They are signs that your system has detected danger.

Your first job is not to win the argument.

It is to remain available to yourself.

Slow the body before you persuade the brain

Try slowing your physical speed by five or ten per cent.

Not so much that everybody thinks the Wi-Fi has gone down. Just enough for your body to receive a different message.

As Jefferson Fisher puts it, ‘let your first word be a breath’.

Put your pen down slowly. Let the other person finish. Take one beat before answering. Relax your hands. Feel the chair supporting you. Turn your head and briefly notice the wider room rather than staring only at the person you perceive as the threat.

If you are walking into the meeting, walk slightly more slowly. If you are writing, write slightly more slowly. If you are speaking, leave a little more air between your sentences.

Slowing is not surrender.

It gives you access to choice.

Challenge the behaviour without surrendering your judgement

Regulation does not require you to become bland, silent or endlessly understanding.

You can say:

“I’m not willing to continue while people are being spoken to like this.”

“I want to respond, but I’m going to take a moment first.”

“I disagree with that, and I want to explain why.”

“I can hear that you feel strongly. Raising your voice will not change my decision.”

“We can continue this conversation when we can both participate in it.”

Notice what these sentences do.

They do not diagnose the other person. They do not tell them what kind of human being they are. They name the behaviour, the effect or your boundary.

That helps you avoid climbing onto the drama triangle as rescuer, persecutor or victim. You do not need to parent the other person. You do not need to overpower them. You need to remain clear about what you will do next.

Calm is not passivity

We sometimes mistake emotional intensity for strength. The angriest person looks the most committed. The loudest person looks the most certain. The person moving at the highest speed appears to care the most.

But intensity is not the same as effectiveness. You can be calm and uncompromising. You can be compassionate and still impose a consequence.

You can understand why someone behaves as they do without allowing that behaviour to continue. You can lower your voice without lowering your standards.

Passivity abandons your position. Regulation helps you hold it.

The revolution is remaining yourself

Some people benefit when you become dysregulated.

If you explode, they can focus on your reaction. If you shut down, they can continue unchallenged. If you fawn, they receive agreement. If you flee, your experience and expertise leave with you.

Remaining inside your window of tolerance changes the available game.

You can still fight for fairness, standards, people, communities and the things that matter.

Just do it slowly enough to take your judgement with you.